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[07 Nov 2006|10:10am] |
Arg. I took over my guild in WoW expecting the members to be active and interested in advancing through the game. Now it turns out the vast majority dont really care about working together.
Im trying to get them motivated to work as a team, but they seem to have no interest. I see why Ivan quit in the first place.
The only options I see I have are to drop all the inactive or low activity players, or leave them and make a seperate group inside the guild for the good players.
I cant believe that a bloody game can cause so many problems. Its actually got me stressing over it, how sad is that?
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[19 Oct 2006|08:55am] |
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| Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence | 
You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks.
You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent.
An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer.
Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best.
You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer. |
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[14 Sep 2006|10:11am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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So manderz and I are going to an anime con in December. Shes going as Chise from saikano, and Im thinking of either going as Largo from Megatokyo or Kenpachi from Bleach. Gonna be working on both our costumes over the next few months.
P.s. I updated my profile, check it out!
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[27 Jul 2006|08:36am] |
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mood |
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So its been forever since ive updated. A lots been going on lately, work is busy as hell, Ive been seeing manderz every chance I get, started working on my boat again. Manderz parents wedding is this weekend.
the relationship between manderz and I has continued developing. We both have our little quirks, and we both have an idea of what we expect out of this. What we both find hard to do is express what we expect. I guess that will just take some time.
Screamfest is coming up in a few months. Should be fun.
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[14 Jun 2006|01:52pm] |
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Man of Steel,
Woman of Kleenex
By Larry Niven*
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Things of the form (*text*) are footnotes in the original text.
He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?
At the ripe old age of thirty-one (*Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938*), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.
Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.
As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."
But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.
The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
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I
What turns on a kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.
Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.
What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law.
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II
Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.
Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
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III
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
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IV
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
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V
First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.
He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet.
But can he keep it?
All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.
What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
Or will there?
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VI
A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.
Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
The magic moment approaches...
Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...
One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...
And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.
Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
But LL's problems are just beginning.
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VII
Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter.
They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.
That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine.
Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
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VIII
This is more serious than it looks.
Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls... but I digress.*) There they are, minuscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Wormholes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.
And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition.
Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form...
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IX
The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
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X
In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?
There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?
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XI
Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human foetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health.
But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...
Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, things get even worse.
But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out into open air, killing himself and his mother.
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XII
Is there a solution?
There are several. Each has drawbacks.
We can make LL wear a kryptonite (*For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.*) belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.
A better solution may be to implant the growing foetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through Superman's invulnerable skin as an exercise for the alert reader.
The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be safe at last.
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Reprinted from All the Myriad Ways © 1971 by Larry Niven. Reprinted with permission.
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[06 Jun 2006|02:53pm] |
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complacent |
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I stand in front of you, My eyes, full of compassion and care, looking down on your kneeling form.
you have offered yourself to Me, your mind, your body, your emotions, and your soul, and for those I pledge you this.
I shall cherish you not only as My submissive, but as the woman you are, warm, intelligent, caring, and sensitive.
I shall never intentionally harm you, and although I know, I am not perfect, I shall try to act wisely in all things.
If I err, I shall rectify My error and I shall apologize to you.
I shall continually strive to guide you and teach you to help you and support you, as you make the difficult decisions, which precede growth.
I will be patient, as you grow, knowing that all thiings take time and change often does not come easily. But even in My patience, I shall continually push you forward and not allow you to fall backwards. If in anything you do fall, I shall be there to catch you, hold you, comfort you, and then place you back on track.
If I ever lose My temper, I shall step back from that situation until I regain control, then deal with what has occurred. I will not act irrationally or hastily, you shall always have the opportunity to explain what has happened, before I decide what must be done, then My actions will always be based on correcting you, not punishing you.
I shall edify and build you up, always encouraging you and never belittling you, as a submissive or woman. I will also build trust, being open and honest with you.
I shall always communicate with you, even when it may not be easy for Me, showing both My strengths and weaknesses. you shall never fear from Me, for I shall never forget your humanity and shall always honor the gift you have given Me.
I will never lord My dominance over you. you are submissive, I am dominant, two sides of the same coin, one by itself is worthless.
I will treasure you, knowing without you, I have no more than an unfulfilled desire.
Finally, My love, I pledge I shall love and cherish you, you are Mine, but I am no less yours.
With that W/we B/both have what W/we have always sought, E/each O/other.
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[06 Jun 2006|09:46am] |
HELL LEVEL 2
Raw score: 76% |
You're just about as deep in sexual hellfire as a person can get. Virtually no urge, however demented, will go ungratified; practically no boundary will go uncrossed. You're probably proud of your adventurousness, and, honestly, you should be. Few people are confident enough to pursue pleasure on their own terms.
Your morals could sink a bit further, sure, but it's likely that you've got a pretty good idea of what you're into and what you would do...above all you're honest with yourself with what you want. If more people were honest with themselves, you'd have a lot more company down in the flames.
AVOID: the lost souls in sexual heaven and (above all) the denizens of sexual purgatory. You don't need any prudes or wishy-washers in your life. |
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 51% on hellishness |
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TYPE P
You scored 91 imagination, 75 confidence, 66 dominance, and 75 generosity! |
| You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give. This means that: You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover. You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it! You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do! WE SUGGEST YOU: get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 79% on imagination |
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You scored higher than 46% on confidence |
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You scored higher than 68% on dominance |
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You scored higher than 70% on generosity |
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[06 Jun 2006|09:33am] |
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Horny mind
[ Sex mind: 79% Selfishness: 42% ] |
MIND score: HORNY
Sex makes you feel good, real good. It's one of the best thing in your life and you want to have it regularly and fulfil some fantasies, it doesn't mean you'd try anything with anyone, but if you find the right person(s), you might want to dedicate a lot of time just to this intense physical pleasure and to a variety of sexual games.
SELF score: you & me (no sign)
This is the average result, by far the most common. If we're not too wrong, this means you are fully aware sex is not a one-sided activity and though you are looking for your own satisfaction, you never forget to please your partner. The lower your score, the more you care about your partner's pleasure, the higher, the more important your own pleasure. |
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My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 89% on sex-o-meter |
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You scored higher than 83% on self-o-meter |
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[02 Jun 2006|04:53pm] |
I regret to inform you ... is that Master or Mister? Master? Okay then, i regret to inform you Master Jones that your slave is only rated for a twenty pound flogger and I see here that your using a twenty five. I'm afraid were going to have to fine you for that. If that's not been corrected by the next time one of our inspectors drops by, we might not only fine you, but possibly suspend your Master's license for up to six months as well.
I also found that the lighting in your dungeon is not bright enough to allow your slave the required visibility level during play. And, although I cannot prove you have used it, the blindfold hanging in your equipment cabinet, is clearly a violation. Your slave must be permitted proper sight capability of what you are doing to him at all times.
But Mr. Inspector, my slave enjoys it more when he's blindfolded.
Too bad! The regulations clearly state the level of lighting and amount of visibility that must be maintained in any dungeon space. We don't care what he enjoys. It is our job to ensure that these regulations are meet. Now, I also noticed the presence of a great deal of candles. Far more than regulations allow.
But they help create the mood we like when we are playing
Don't care about that either. The regulations clearly state, only two, six-inch pillar candles are permitted within any ten-foot area of the dungeon. You clearly have more than five or six times that amount. They must be removed immediately. I will only give you a warning for that this time instead of a fine. But if we find it again...
Yeah, I know, you can suspend my Master's license you ignorant son of a...
Careful Master Jones. The use of curse words or derogatory language of any kind, directed at an OSHA inspector, is punishable by a five thousand dollar fine and a minimum of twenty-five whacks with a wooden paddle. Administered of course, within the OSHA guidelines for paddle width and weight, whack force, and whack interval frequency.
Along with the infractions that I have already pointed out to you Master Jones, I found quite a long list of other minor infractions that we expect you to correct before we come back for a follow-up inspection. However, since these regulations are fairly new, as we have only been regulating and inspecting dungeons since the government report assessing modern slavery was released, about three months ago, I am only going to issue you the one fine for the overweight flogger this time. Just make sure you get all of these other matters taken care of or you may find you're....
Yeah, yeah, I know. I may find my Master's license, which you so kindly brought the application forms for me today, suspended for a minimum of six months.
That would be six months for each infraction Master Jones.
Say what? This is getting ridiculous!!
Now, now, Master Jones. You know, it is the government's obligation to its citizens, to ensure that they have safe and sanitary working, or in this case servicing, conditions. And even though you have many years experience in what it is you do here, and feel that, depending on the interpretation, our restrictions could possibly limit you and your slave from playing as hard in some of the SM arenas as you currently do, or possibly like to do at some point in the future, we feel it is essential, that the maximum allowable limits that we establish, be such, that they would protect someone who is brand new to this type of activity from being injured. We take that responsibility very seriously.
Too seriously if you ask me.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't really matter what you think now does it, Master Jones?
Good day Master Jones, and oh, by the way, here is your free set of the five books containing all two hundred and fifty five thousand enforceable regulations, as well as the set of five books, containing the close to one hundred and seventy five guidelines, which we feel are necessary to ensure everyone's safety. They will probably become regulations over the next couple years.
I'm sure that you will find these books very helpful as you totally redesign your dungeon space in order to comply with all of our standards. As I said, this set is free. Future editions for any revisions of the existing regulations or additions of new ones, we expect will probably run about $1000 per set. That's just to cover the cost of printing.
Maybe if you cut out a few thousand of these stupid regulations, they wouldn't be so damned thick and cost so much to print.
Very amusing Master Jones. By the way, please inform your slave that he was personally responsible for the breakdown suffered by our interviewer, Mr. Williams, who talked with him as part of the assessment of the slavery issue a few months back. Seems the poor man was so traumatized by what your slave told him in regards to his living conditions, that he was babbling incoherently about having been to the devil's breading grounds, or something like that, and had to be given an extended medical leave of absence.
I'll be sure to reward the boy; I mean punish the boy, for that. Good-bye, inspector
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[02 Jun 2006|04:34pm] |
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You Know Your Kids Have Inherited Your Kink When
· the neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers.
· your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.
· you go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built
entirely of Legos.
· you come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged babysitter.
· they hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.
· your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.
· your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store.
· you tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they aren't.
· your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room.
· you yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's busy right now...and you check on him and find that he really is tied up right now.
· your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue.
· their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.
· your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times.
· they won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red".
· you notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.
· the 13 year-old begs for his first bra.
You Know You're Kinky When...
...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for
...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because the man has nothing on you.
...you realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
...you have more toys than your kids
...you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots
...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot
...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets
...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.
...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.
...you have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3 24-hour locksmiths.
...you are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.
...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.
...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!
....you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.
...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.
...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave
...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!
...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat)
...your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.
..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.
...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.
...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.
...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.
...you need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings".
...you choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the leather store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers, and just a mile from the emergency room.
...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.
...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...and you are not a contractor or an electrician.
...you move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes out of business because you don't buy there anymore.
...escape artists come to you for advice.
...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.
...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling.
...you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.
...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery.
...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash.
...you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.
...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".
...you've served more people than McDonald's.
...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com
...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.
...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to please you.
...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.
...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than the ER.
...you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free trip on the North Pole.
...you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a family or a clothesline.
...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.
...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"
...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.
...you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.
...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.
...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and sadistic and you perk, god i hope so!
...you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.
...turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on when you enter the room.
...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two.
...you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.
...you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.
...when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered.
...you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.
...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.
...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.
...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.
...you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".
...your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination.
...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.
...your children think your primary language is acronyms.
...you have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.
...you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.
...you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.
...your toilet seat is leather.
...your children are named Dom, SAM, Sissy, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
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[28 Apr 2006|10:13am] |
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ROFLMMFAO |
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The Onion
Baby, You Mean The World Of Warcraft To Me
By Kevin Spivey
April 19, 2006 | Issue 42•16
Come on, honey, why do you have to be like that? You know that you're my Elven princess. My one and only. I would dare say that there is no one in all the realm who doesn't know of our love. I have sung your praises from the mouth of the Shadowthread Cave to the Stranglethorn Vale of the Eastern Kingdoms. I've introduced you to my comrades-in-arms in the Ulster guild, and they all accept you as kin.
And now you want to dissolve the greatest love ever to brighten my basement?
When we met, I was looking for a group fit to take the Zul'Gurub instance. But as I stocked up on provisions at the convenience store before my quest, and our eyes locked, I realized that I was not looking for a group, I was looking for love, and I found it in you. You are the sun, the moon, the Cinderhide Armsplints of the Monkey. There is so much we have to offer one another. Unfailing loyalty, a Strength of 250, someone who can go out for snacks in the heat of battle. Can't you see we're made for each other?
Darling, no orc can keep me from you. I would make my way into the heart of Moonglade and fight an army of trolls just to be by your side. I would go up against Varimathras, the ruler of the Undead himself, if he so much as hinted that he was a danger to you. Make no mistake, I would get aggro on anyone who would threaten you.
This is, of course, provided the system is not down due to a faulty patch.
Don't you see that I did it all for you? My love for you exceeds Level 60, higher than anyone thought possible in this fantastic computer universe. My spirit soars when you are near. You restore my mana with a kiss. I even named my epic mount after you. Her name is Helen, and her hair shimmers in the sunlight, and together we ride forward into destiny.
I would climb the highest peak of Mount Hyjal to toil for 100 days and 100 nights in the mines in order to extract the precious ore so that I may fashion you a necklace of the finest thorium. My warrior, Hammuster, devoted his game's life to the professions of mining and smithing just so that I might accomplish that very thing. All you need do is join me in the WoW and hold the necklace up to the virtual sun. Then you may see the efforts I have expended to create this thing of beauty for you. The dishes can wait until tomorrow.
Helen, my mage, when I was ganked by a lowly rogue from Tennessee in the Caverns of Time and stripped of my treasured belongings, I rose from the grave with one purpose in mind. I had to be resurrected, not to seek revenge, but to return to you.
There is no other way to put it: You take my breath bar away.
Why do we need to go out to have fun? Everything we could possibly want is right in WoW. Fine dining, theater, romantic sunsets—they're all there. The outside world just costs money, and I don't have a magic breastplate to protect me from people's stares. Come with me so I can treat you like the princess you are.
Please, baby, if you leave, you will increase by 32 percent the chance of doing direct damage to my heart. Please reconsider
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[13 Apr 2006|08:18am] |
What Monty Python Character are you?
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[21 Mar 2006|05:32pm] |
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical...
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control...
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things Ive learned from my Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boys voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" its already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
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[21 Mar 2006|04:13pm] |
Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer wont get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesnt get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know youre the first one to pop a beer.
4...You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.
Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10...Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...Im wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, yourcompany name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I havent seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I cant hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, Im under house arrest, couldyou bring me some beer?
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag
Top Ten Ways to tell your HMO is going bankrupt
10...Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day. 5...Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4...Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little ms on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) - ihadcock@tru.co
Top Ten Childrens books never published
10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddys New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.
Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild
9...Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
8...Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
5...The motor is so loud you cant hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.
4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.
2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or hooptee.
1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured.
Top Ten ways to tell you are fat
10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says Picture continued on other side.
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT.
1...You get runs in your jeans.
Top Ten Things Men Shouldnt Yell In Victorias Secret
10... Does this come in childrens sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...Ill be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size wont matter. Shes inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. Ill eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace
2...45 bucks?? Youre just gonna end up NAKED anyway
1... Oh, honey, youll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they havent had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the hands on experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.
Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over
10.... Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... Youre not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
5.... Officer says, Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You respond with, Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
4.... Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job
3.... Gee, Officer Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too
2.... Arent you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines
1.... Overeating main cause of obesity
2.... Dog kills cat, self
3.... Two ships collide. One dead
4.... Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism
5.... A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages.
6.... Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
7.... Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
8.... Eye Drops Off Shelf
9.... Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
10.... Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Top Ten best condoms
10.....Nike condom: Just do it.
9.....Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.
8.....Diet Pepsi Condom: You got the right one, baby.
7.....Pringles condom: Once you pop, you cant stop.
6.....Mentos condom: The freshmaker.
5.....Flintstones Vitamins condom: Ten million strong and growing.
4.....Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced 3.....for a woman.
2.....Macintosh condom: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
1.....Ford condoms: The best never rest.
MORE GOOD ONES..
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
Dial condom: Arent you glad you use it?
Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto condom: Cause hey- you never know.
California Lotto condom: Whos next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condom: Finger-licking good.
Coca-cola condom: Always the real thing.
Lays condom: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells condom: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: Melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family.
Doublemint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack condom: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Travel pack condom: Fly United.
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say
10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While Im up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, Id love to wear a condom.
3..... We havent been to the mall in ages. Lets go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think were lost. Wed better pull over and ask for directions.
Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say
10..... Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please dont throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute
5..... This diamond is way too big
4..... I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... Im wrong. You must be right again.
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[21 Mar 2006|03:46pm] |
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The Excedrin Penis: Its tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The Life Call Penis: Its fallen and it cant get up.
The American Express Penis: Dont leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?
The M&M Penis: It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious.
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going and going.
The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Campbell's Soup Penis: Mmm, Mmm good.
The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
The McDonalds Penis: Over 8 billion served.
The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Cobain Penis: It blows itself away.
The All State Penis: Youre in good hands.
The 7-Up Penis: The UN-penis.
The Barqs Penis: The one with bite.
The Beef Penis: Its whats for dinner.
The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.
The Transformers Penis: Its more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.
The Sega Penis: PENIS
The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.
The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.
The Burger King Penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
The Flintstones Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing.
The Wendys Penis: Wheres the beef?
The Lays Penis: Betcha cant eat just one.
The Matthew Sweet Penis: 100% fun.
The Little Caesars Penis: Penis Penis
The Mortal Combat Penis: Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Street Fighter II Penis: Matt, stop, youre too good at this.
The Dominos Pizza Penis: delivers in 30 min. or less.
The Monty Python Penis: Isnt it awfully nice to have a penis?
The Monty Python Penis II: Every sperm is sacred....
The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?
The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.
The Charmin Penis: Dont squeeze the penis
The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis Penis: Thinks its the Beatles penis.
The Windows 95Penis: If you ask it to do too much, itll crash.
The Virginia Slims Penis: Youve come a long way, baby.
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop.
The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts
The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
The Reeses Penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Beavis Penis: Look It's changing color
The Sustecal Penis : More protein, less fat
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey.
The Just For Men Penis: A sure thing for a natural look?
The Milk Penis: It does a body good
The Taco Bell Penis: It runs for the border.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis: It's the adult thing to do?
The AOL Penis: Its so easy to use, no wonder its #1?
The Pontiac Penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps
The Psychic Penis: It knows you are coming before you do.
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| Timmy, Johnny, Spike |
[14 Mar 2006|08:35am] |
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Timmy likes big creatures. Timmy wants to win by smacking you upside the head with the biggest creature possible. Failing that, Timmy will burn you or swarm you out. Timmy wants to win big.
Johnny likes style. Johnny will combo you out, or defeat you in a way you weren't expecting; at the very least, he'll try to do it with flair. Johnny will play what he thinks is cool; this often leads to a love-hate relationship with combo decks. The first time, it's cool; but after it's everywhere, it's not cool anymore and Johnny doesn't want to play it. Johnny will not play a net deck unless it's really cool, and then only once or twice. Johnny wants to win on his terms.
Spike likes winning. Doesn't matter how; Spike will take whatever path the rules of the game allow that is most likely to lead to victory. Spike loves netdecks; there's already testing done on them, so he can get a jump on the good strategy. He'll pore over strategy articles, trying to figure out the best deck at any given time. Spike wants to win consistently.
All else being equal, Spike will beat Johnny because he's more dedicated, who will beat Timmy because he has more strategy. Of course, not all else is always equal. Timmy will sometimes have a pretty good deck despite his building habits. Johnny, on average, will be smarter than Spike; this is not to disparage Spike, its simply that there are a lot more Spikes, and being a Johnny requires a lot of mental effort, while being a Spike merely requires a desire to win; somebody else can do the hard thinking for Spike (such as building the deck), but a Johnny won't accept that.
I am definately a timmy/johnny.
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